Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The asteroid..
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
going to the ER y’all need anything
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Oh. My. God.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.