My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
the three genders
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I would like even faster food.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.