It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.