Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
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ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Don’t snitch tag.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
tell em, edith-anne
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness