I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Life with a cat in one tweet
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?