If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Yes, this is exactly right
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.