BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
FINE, I WON’T.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.