I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”