“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.