Are kids ever okay at all?馃槀
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don鈥檛 listen to his music
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Not trying to brag but my son鈥檚 teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My god she’s good.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don鈥檛 vacuum your sister
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let鈥檚 go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you