Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Nose
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.