The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
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The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Hell yeah 👍
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.