Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
You Might Also Like
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Hilarious if literal: arms race
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.