[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?