Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
based al yankovic
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
What if all the cashiers are married?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*