Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem