him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I have a place for everything. The floor.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.