Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I am a gravy boat captain
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.