“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I feel it
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.