Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.