[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
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*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Life cycle of cat
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*