People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf