hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.