I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.