Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Worlds greatest photobomb
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?