The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
You Might Also Like
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
U talkin 2 me?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.