i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again