Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
*limbos under the caution tape
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.