Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
This is amazing.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?