There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My kitchen overserved me.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
absolutely not