Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.