Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.