My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If only
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything