In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m not stressed
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/