I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.