I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets