A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.