BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.