Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies