“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me, reading some of your tweets
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.