Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.