*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.