My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
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Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
それは草
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)