At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
This guy gets it.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?