The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.