Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.