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JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
peep davidson
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches