My wedding will be open casket.
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I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.