With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group