On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
A choir of Spring onions
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!